Sometimes Your Kid is a Rapist and a Monster

I am not asking Carleen Turner to feel empathy for the young woman her son was caught in the act of raping. I am not asking her to feel the devastation, shame, horror and pain that her son’s victim’s family has felt since the weekend of January 18, 2015. Instead, I am suggesting that in advocating for her child, she use the “fess up ” approach my husband taught me to use when I do something wrong. It is a three-part process:

• ‘fess up
• empathize
• move forward without causing more harm

First, she should ‘fess up and acknowledge that her son was caught in the act of raping an unconscious woman and then convicted for committing that crime. Next, she should show empathy, not only for her son, the convicted rapist, but also for her son’s victim. Finally, she should move forward without causing more harm. When she talks about how her son has never been in trouble before and how he will have to register as a sex offender and what a hardship that is without recognizing that her son’s victim has had her life changed irrecoverably she is causing harm. When she talks about her son has lost everything he has worked for without acknowledging that he took away things his victim had worked for, she is causing more harm. She closed her letter to the judge requesting that the judge “be kind and merciful to my beautiful son. He is suffering and will continue to pay for this for his entire lifetime.” Her son was caught committing and has been convicted of committing a horrific thing. It is not something that he should be able to forget about with ease. After all, when you destroy someone else’s life, it should bother you, it should make you uncomfortable.

No one can blame Carleen Turner for advocating for her son, for wanting him to be treated with more mercy and kindness than he treated the woman he was caught in the act of raping. He showed his victim no kindness and no mercy. No mother would want that for her child. Even if that child is a convicted rapist. The reason Carleen Turner’s letter to the judge disgusted me is that she behaves as if her son did nothing wrong. Her letter gives the impression that something was done to him, rather than the fact that he was brought to worldwide attention because he was caught and convicted of raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster.

When our children do things that are wrong, they still deserve our love, support and help. What they do not deserve, is for us to cover over their misdeeds as if their repugnant, disgusting and criminal behavior is something that was done to them, rather than something they did. You do not help your child who acts like a monster any favors by acting as if your child is a delicate flower being damaged by a person they have victimized not being happy about being victimized. All over the country each day, there are stories of young men committing horrible, unspeakable crimes just like Brock Turner. Those young men, when they are caught in the act and convicted like Brock Turner are punished and sent to jail. Often, in jail, they are victimized. They are raped, beaten and mistreated. No matter how unfortunate and horrific those facts are, they are part of what happens when you do unspeakable things. Being a good swimmer, coming from a nice home or having trouble fitting in, is not sufficient reason to escape a jail sentence.

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When our children are monsters and do horrible things, it is wrong for us to sugar coat their behavior and act as though they did nothing wrong. The bottom line is sometimes our children do bad things and we hurt them by pretending they did nothing wrong.